Saboteurs are the automatic mental patterns that undermine our confidence, authenticity, and personal growth. Among these internal foes, the Pleaser Saboteur stands out for its deep-rooted need for approval, fear of rejection, and tendency to prioritize others’ needs over one’s own. Here’s what you need to know about the Pleaser Saboteur and some effective strategies for minimizing its negative influence.

What Are Saboteurs?

Saboteurs are deeply ingrained patterns of thinking and behavior that limit your potential and hinder your ability to perform at your best. They are internal critics that operate based on fear, self-doubt, and negative self-talk. Saboteur patterns can take various forms, such as the Avoider, the Hyper-Vigilant, the Victim, and more. Each Saboteur has a unique way of sabotaging your wellbeing and success.

Meet the Pleaser

The Pleaser indirectly tries to gain acceptance and affection by helping, pleasing, rescuing, or flattering others. When affected by the Pleaser, you can lose sight of your own needs — emotional, physical, and financial — and become resentful as a result.

Additionally, due to the Pleaser’s influence, others can develop a dependence on you rather than learn to take care of themselves, as they feel obligated, guilty, or manipulated.

How to Recognize the Pleaser

Here’s what to look out for as the Pleaser tries to impose its lies and limiting beliefs on you.

The Original Survival Function of the Pleaser

The Pleaser tries to earn attention and acceptance by helping others. This is an indirect attempt to have one’s emotional needs met. Two original assumptions, picked up in childhood, feed the Pleaser. 1. I must put others’ needs ahead of mine. 2. I must give love and affection to get any back. I must earn it and am not simply worthy of it.

Characteristics of the Pleaser

The Pleaser has a strong need to be liked by people and attempts to earn it by helping, pleasing, rescuing, or flattering them. The Pleaser needs frequent reassurance from others about their acceptance and affection and can’t express needs openly and directly. Instead, the Pleaser expresses needs indirectly by making people feel obligated to reciprocate care.

Thoughts Caused by the Pleaser

• To be a good person, I should put the needs of others ahead of my own.
• It bothers me when people don’t notice or care about what I have done for them. They can be selfish and ungrateful.
• I give away too much and don’t think of myself enough.
• I can make anyone like me.
• If I don’t rescue people, who will?

Feelings Caused by the Pleaser

• Expressing my own needs directly is selfish. 
• Insisting on meeting my own needs may drive others away.
• Being taken for granted makes me feel resentful, but I have difficulty expressing it.

Lies the Pleaser Tells

• I don’t do this for myself.
• I help others selflessly and don’t expect anything in return.
• The world would be a better place if everyone did the same.

How to Overcome the Influence of the Pleaser

Command Your Mind to Quiet the Pleaser

1. The first thing to remember is that if you’re in negative emotion for more than a second, you’re in Saboteur mode. You must label your thoughts and emotions at that moment as Saboteur and let them go. To be able to do that, you need to have studied your Saboteurs (including the Pleaser) and discredited their lies and limiting beliefs. Take the Saboteur Assessment to get started.

2. The next step is to perform a PQ Rep, which is a 10-second hyper-focus on one of your senses. PQ Reps are powerful ways to command your mind to quiet the region where your Saboteurs live and activate the region where your Sage (positive self) lives. Whenever you catch the Pleaser or your other Saboteurs, do PQ Reps to pause and choose a more positive response. Visit the PQ Gym to try some guided PQ Reps.

Minimize the Influence of the Pleaser

In addition to catching the Pleaser and performing PQ Reps, try these practices to minimize the Pleaser’s negative influence on your life:

1. Set Clear Boundaries: Think of some healthy boundaries you can establish in your relationships and interactions. Then, practice communicating your limits and values in a way that honors your needs and wellbeing.

2. Celebrate Your Authenticity: Practice embracing your authentic self, including your strengths, vulnerabilities, and imperfections. Doing so will help you prioritize authenticity over approval-seeking behaviors.

3. Challenge Guilt: Recognize that prioritizing your needs is not selfish but essential for your overall wellbeing. When feelings of guilt or obligation arise from setting boundaries or saying no, challenge those feelings by reminding yourself how important your needs are.

4. Seek Support: Surround yourself with supportive and understanding individuals, including mental health professionals, who respect your boundaries and encourage authentic self-expression.

Cultivating Authentic Empowerment & Self-Compassion

While the Pleaser Saboteur may offer a sense of temporary validation, its tendencies ultimately hinder authentic self-expression, empowerment, and fulfillment. By understanding its traits and implementing proactive strategies, you can reclaim control over your thoughts, behaviors, and relationships, stepping into a life of greater authenticity, empowerment, and self-compassion.

Explore how the PQ Program for mental fitness can help you and your team intercept your Saboteurs to improve performance, team dynamics, and wellbeing.

Discover Your Saboteurs

The first step to conquering your Saboteurs is to identify them and expose their lies and limiting beliefs.

Take the Assessment

Overcome Your Saboteurs

Intercepting your Saboteurs is crucial for success, and it starts with understanding how they affect you.

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